Friday, June 21, 2013

How to Carry on when noone loves you

I have no written in a long time.
 I keep meaning to, I have been gardening, landscaping my front and back yard, even quilting some. But I haven't the mindset to write about it. I don't even feel the same about it, while I am doing it. I feel I've lacked enthusiasm in most things these days.
I think its because I have stopped dreaming.
I didn't mean to, I tried to keep going, but I just cant. I cannot pretend to have a dream anymore, how can I?
The only person that believed in me and my dream is dead.  Gone. Up in the heavens, healed and perfect in her own little federal style house with a wrap around porch, she sits drinking lemonade, awaiting her family. I am down here in this horrible earth waiting for life to start again. Waiting to find myself again, my dreams, my passion, my zest!
It is true when they say, you can never go home again. See my mother was my home. It gave me contentment and stability to know that no matter how much I messed up, I could always go back to my mamma. She always would take me back and love me  no matter what. For a while after she died, I would go back to her home, that she poured so much of herself into, and I would feel her, like her heart was beating within the walls and I would feel safe again, just a little bit. SHE WAS STILL THERE. But now I cannot go there to feel her, she isn't there anymore, her heart beat is drowned out by another, squished with piles of mess and random items that remind me my mamma is no longer here. She is gone. So I have no home now.
Two weeks after my mamma passed I moved into a new neighborhood, a new house. I have not felt welcome here, its like living in a huge high school, everyone talks about you behind your back (usually mine) and I am not welcomed in the cool people group. I of course am fine with that. But there is a sense of loneliness to not having neighborly neighbors.  Putting the neighborhood aside, the house itself has never felt like home to me. The minute we signed settlement papers my husband lost his job, and we have never been able to fix up the house. So renovating it to feel like home has never happened. I cannot seem to ever get it clean enough, and everywhere I turn I see the touch of another woman, not my own. I feel like a visitor in my own house. 
Then back to the neighborhood, its a scream session after the next. I didn't know people could curse and shout at their little three year olds, let alone someone else, until I moved here. And after being here around that example for nearly two years I find myself shouting at my own little blessings. For I am frustrated, and it has become NORMALIZED. Before you get alarmed, I am working on this, seeking therapy, and praying regularly for patience and guidance in these things.
Why am I frustrated? Frustrated enough to shout at my BLESSINGS? my ONLY JOYS? Because I am lost. I don't normally like rap, but 2pac has a song called " Thugz Mansion" and there are lyrics which really touch on how I am feeling, they are quoted  
" all I could see was my momma's eyes
No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble
Not knowin it's hard to carry on when no one loves you
Picture me inside the misery of poverty
No man alive has ever witnessed struggles I survived
Prayin hard for better days, promise to hold on
Me and my dawgs ain't have a choice but to roll on

Its my husband that likes rap, he had this on one day and  hearing those lyrics made me nearly burst into tears. Who would have thought that a man like 2pac could speak the words that echo my soul.
See, I can hear some people now say to me "I'm here if you need me" and I think they mean it with love, but they don't MEAN it. Nobody wants to take on the troubles, the commitment, the responsibility of loving and caring and catching of a grown woman with kids of her own. Only a mother would do that!

and mine, who so wanted to, more then anything.....cannot.

So I'm stuck in this abyss of darkness without my mother. Trying to figure out how to move forward in my life without her. Make changes, chase my dreams, DREAM.

                                                Mom and me 1982. 

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Saturday, February 23, 2013


I realised that I never had formally introduced my children. So here is a photo and little biography of each love bug.

This is my 7 year old Talon who I call my mad scientist. Hes incredibly bright and has a kind heart. He will always try to help a friend or send some love to cheer up a friend. He is my mad scientist because he can remember every detail hes learned about dinosaurs and every detail of the book he just read but will run outside without shoes on in the snow if I don't remind him hes barefoot! He was born with an opinion about everything and I have no idea where he gets some of them, he is definitely his own person with a heart of gold.

This is my Eve, the princess. She is my calm laid back little girl, who needs her juice in the morning like I need my coffee. She has a servants heart and is always hanging onto my skirt or apron wondering what I am doing and if she can help me. She loves all things pink,and will twirl all over the house because she is a ballerina!
This is my baby Luke, the noisy boy. Even though he is my third child he was my first in many other things. He was my first natural birth. He was my first baby with colic! He grew out of his colic (with the help of a holistic chiropractor and holistic remedies and lots of patient snuggles and pacing from mommy and daddy) but he still is a noisy boy. He has no problem letting us know when hes upset, uncomfortable, unhappy, happy, excited or wants to watch Yo Gaba Gaba! He has been trying to keep up with the big kids and by 7 months started pulling himself up on things and cruising around. After a few bumps on his head from attempts at unassisted walking he decided crawling is a much safer means of transportation. Hes a good baby, and brings delight to our family.
I hope someday to have more children in our family, either biologically or adoption or fostering or perhaps all three. God gave me a MOTHERS heart and I truly do not think I was put on this earth for any other reason then to raise up these blessings. My life did not begin until I had them and I live to make their lives rich and full.
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Saturday, February 16, 2013

Happy Valentines Day!

Every year on Valentines Day I try to do things special for the children.
This year we....
made decorations,

         Luke wasnt able to really help, but he encouraged with his smiles.
I made heart shaped cinamen buns, they were delish!

We ate heart shaped grilled cheese sandwhiches, we devoured those in minutes.

After the kids went fown for their naps, I layed out lolli's for them on pretty pink napkins.

After nap we all hung the decorations and set the table.

I made pink mashed taters and pink white cheddar mac n cheese.

They were a hit! We also went around the table and talked about what we love about eachother.

I came out only dyed a little pink so not a bad day in all.
I hope you enjoyed  your Valentines Day as much as we did.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Old WoMan Yeller

I'm not sure when it happened. Perhaps it was when my oldest son started hiding my keys. Or when I became outnumbered by children? Maybe it was when my house became a dumping ground for cheerios, toys, and little matchbox cars that are oh so fun to slip on with an infant in your arms. Le sigh.

I may not be able to pinpoint when exactly it happened, but at some point it did.

I became a yeller.

Yell as I might, yell as I can. I yell, I yell a lot. I never mean to, their sweet little faces looking at me with shocked faces. How can I just yell at them like that? Well apparently, its become a pattern. I never like it anymore than they do.  What do I do?

Everyday I vow to yell less, and/or to not yell at all but by golly i still end up yelling at least once everyday. After alot of research I found an article about a reformed yeller. I thought, "wow, I want to be a reformed yeller. Sign me up!"  So I read on. The article stated it was quite simple, whenever I wanted to yell, I whispered instead.

Here is what the article said in a nutshell. Kids don't respond to yelling. They shut down, they get scared, they don't even hear what your saying. So you may have just yelled the most insightful advice they will hear that day but none of it reached them. Yelling  also hurts their feelings, invalidates your standing with them, and ruins relationships that could take a long time to build back up. Wow, don't I feel just terrible now? Yes. yes I do.

Here is the step by step on what to do instead of being Old Yeller.
When you feel your blood a boiling, and your mouth opens to holler out instead do this :
Get down on child's level and ask for their eyes.
Whisper to them, whatever you need to say.
Tell them what they didn't do, and what they need to do.
Then end the conversation with a hug.

Kids will be more able to understand and listen to what your saying when they don't feel scared or threatened. This response to your child is gentler, and will restore your relationship with them making you too, a reformed yeller.

So I'm still working on this, I still slip and I'm sure you will too, but isn't it worth it? Look at those faces, they are so worth it.
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Monday, February 11, 2013

The Begining is Near

Every chapter comes to an end at some point. And its usually always sad, and filled with grief. But if there isn't anything you can do to keep the chapter moving, and you know you have tried everything, if it wants to close, close it will. I know I did everything to show nothing but loyalty, willingness, and love for this chapter and in the end if it wants to reopen I suppose it could. But for now, I have to look ahead and heal the hurt while doing so.

New chapter has alot of wonderful things in it. So even though its so painful to move ahead, what I'm walking into is pretty great, and that helps.

I have these faces to kiss, and little youngins to watch grow
I have a marriage that I will continue to strengthen and grow.
I have a business that is blooming, and dreams that I'm realising with  each order made, I save another buck towards my future home. I'm also working on a new book. I'm hoping to have it done by 2015. So even though it hurts to move on from something you desperately wanted, sometimes to you have to just let it go and move on, and that can be really great too. I still love my God, like no other and know that I will be protected in this new chapter, the flesh might have pushed me away but God never turns on those that love and trust. My Faith is strong.
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Monday, January 14, 2013

A wish and a will

It sure is no secret that my dream is to move out of this city, out to the country, and own a bed and breakfast on a small homesteading farm. I love to host people, cook for them and make them happy and feel at home. I love animals, and I love gardening and being outdoors is just wonderful. I also love hard physical labor, there is something about getting your hands dirty and flexing your muscles that is so satisfying to me!
For the past two years, all of our savings has gone, due to financial hardships. Since my husband has still not found a good paying job, we are living hand over fist. After  months of being unable to pay our mortgage, and weekly "chats" with the mortgage company to be more patient, they have started the foreclosure process anyway, and we are desperately trying to save our little homestead in the city. Funny that our goal was to never stay here, but now so that we wont be homeless, we are fighting to keep it. How do things end up this way? How ironic.
Everyday husband will go off to work, come home and spend sometime helping me, playing with the children and then starts job searching.
Everyday I take care of the little ones, homeschooling, cook and prep meals, clean and do laundry, make soaps and detergents when needed, bake desserts. Research ways to save money and sew orders and for stock for my online store.  By the end of the day my head is spinning and I'm exhausted. Then I get to sleep poorly at night and get up and do it all over again. I know that all of our hard work will eventually pay off but when you are struggling for so long and you have no idea how much longer you have to keep trod ding forward it is so very hard to keep up with everything and remain positive. But remain positive I will. I will try to keep up with my blog more, Keep updates of everything that is going on here during the winter months on the little city homestead.
Until then, I wish you all well and hope that everyone of my readers is having a great start to their new year. 01 02 18

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy 2013!!

This year there are going to be alot of changes! Changes for my life and changes for the blog!

One major change is becoming more organized! I just found a new blog called "Delightful Order" and the owner is having a monthly organizational challenge. To learn more go here
<a href="" target="_blank"><img src="" width=150 height=150></a>

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