Tuesday, January 31, 2012


My two previous births were both planned to be natural. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered as I was wheeled or led into the operating room for what I thought were necessary c-sections. After alot of research I found out that both could have been avoided. This third pregnancy, I know just how to avoid it. Before you all get your panties in a bunch, I also know when its neccesary. I love this baby just as much as my first two but I also know how dangerous it is to go into another major abdonimal surgery unless its absolutely neccesary for baby and me. I also am getting the affects of the previous surgerys after being put on bedrest two weeks ago. Im having the adhesion pain that poeple get after having surgery. My big baby is swelling my belly and tearing the scar tissue from my muscle sutcher. The good news is, that its not my uteros. Bad news is, the pain could send me into early labor and so Im stuck on the couch.
Makes me realise just how alone in this I am. My husband has been trying his hard to help me when hes home, but hes not home that much. He goes into work early inthe morning and i do not see him again until after the children are in bed. The children and our cats still need me during the day, but how can I do that from the couch? We have been schooling from the couch, playing blocks, puzzles, coloring. I only get up to make their meals and clean up their meals. Usually by the third meal I can feel the ache in my side. And am beat for the rest of the nite. Tucking my son in, is torture by that point. Im cranky, and  not a very happy smiley mommy that I usually am.
Lets also take into consideration the OCD that I have. On a normal day, I would get up, make breakfast, eat breakfast, sweep and mop the floors. Get the kids and me cleaned and dress. And start school. After each meal I will spray and wipe down all the counters, even the ones i didnt use. I also disenfect the bathrooms most used surfaces everyday, sometimes twice. I cannot stand germs. I cant do this. I also cant expect bob to do this for me. So this makes my mood even more sour, becuase as my daughter decides shes ready to plunge into potty training, Talon is the one who has to take her to the potty and Im sitting onthe couch hoping behind hope that he washes her hands and his hands properly becuase i know the toilet is covered in germs.
They are also pent up. I will always try to take them outside everyday to get fresh air and stretch their legs. Instead they are stuck inside, in the living room with me. They have been taking to run back and forth the length of the house, which causes usually my little girl to fall, Thank goodness for Talons after school activities!
But all in all, I know its worth it. When this is over I will have a beautiful baby. That I wanted so very much. Does it bother me that besides their father Im the only one that really wanted this baby? Sometimes, but I also know that unlike friends and family, THIS  family Im making on my own, is here to stay. Its really true that the best family you can have, is the one that you make.  This family Im making  will not turn their backs on me, they will not make false judgement on me, they will not tell me to not have anymore kids and then scoff at me when I become ill carrying one. They are part of the same team here, routing for the same things. Eachother. And no matter where we go, or how far we will be together always. Routing eachother on, loving and encouraging eachother and being just that,  EACH OTHERS. These children of mine are my dreams come true. <3 01 02 18

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Some count sheep, I count Blessings

I genuinly enjoy being pregnat. I dont mind the gas, the constipation, the morning sickness, the constant kicking and rib poking. I even can handle the emotions and the forgetfullness (i dont know if my husband can say the same haha) but the two things that occur during my pregnancies that really are hard to deal with are the heart burn and the wear tearing feelings I get on the left side of my stomach. Almost like the baby is ripping me open from the inside. They both occur at the end of the day, and one keeps me up most of the nite. HEART BURN! With my first baby it started at 8 months, it was bad, but staying up all nite was just something I thought would get me used to the change in my life about to occur. Id sit up and watch out the window at my housemates cat frollicking and playing in the moonlights glow all nite. During the day I didnt work anymore, so Id be home cleaning, cooking and relaxing. Sleepless nights were not too much of a problem. With my second the heart burn started around 7 and a 1/2 months and it got to be a bit tougher, but we took precautions to keep it at bay, and since Talon would nap so would I. This pregnancy the heart burn and sleepless nites started two months ago at 4 months. For two months ive been sleeping basicly from 4 am to 9am. I will take it! It is better then nothing, which is what I got last nite, nothing! I sat up all stinking nite listening to the snores and "other sounds" of my family sleeping around me and I tried to keep my worrisome thoughts at bay, as those thoughts always occur most easiest in the morning hours, when it seems like the man in the moon decides to give back your worries to you. To mull them over. Instead of thinking about those though, I sit up counting my blessings. Focusing on the positives in my life and saying thank you for each one. I am truelly blessed. I thought Id share these blessings with you.

I am grateful that I can see the good that comes out in the bad.
When my mother died, it was a huge loss, the biggest Ive had. But it brought my dad and me closer.
When my husband lost his job and we had no money whatsover but it showed us that we could trust in God because everything worked out, we never ran out of food, we didnt lose our home, and my kids had a good holiday, thanks to the kindness of others.
We keep getting examples that we can see and use to make ourselves better people.
that I am a humble person with a sense of  a humor about myself and dont have problems pointing out my own flaws and i dont mind working on myself. It sucks to hear things about myself im not ready to hear, but I really want to be strong, so I get over it, work on it, and move on.
im happy ive learned to look at myself more and stop looking at others, though i still have issues with that, i dont do it as much anymore.
that i have a really close friend who always encourages me, helps me fix things in my life through examples, and encouragment and will always stick up for me :)
happy i have my fb girls who  also always there to give encouragment and perhaps one day we will all meet.
and the little things in life which or so huge to me
my husband will rub my ankles and feet whenever i ask, even if they are stinky haha
that even when we dont have much money he will take a bit that we do have to make me feel special (like surprising me with a prenatel yoga dvd and yoga mat)
that if i cant keep up and i need to sit down and rest, he will pick up where i left off.
how the children listen for his car when hes coming home and then run to the kitchen yelling "da das home!!" and the come out and say "surprise!" giving him a improptu surprise party every time he comes home. i think its a nice thing for him to come home to.
im glad he comes home to us. :)
how eve will tell me to "com'n! da das home!" like i want to run along with them to surprise him at the door. haha
i love the look on talons face when he gets something during school.
how my kids play so nicely together and even though there is arguments there are never grudges.
how talon knows what he wants to be when he grows up and how im certain he will do it.
how Eve will show me what daddy put on her for the day. she loves wearing a pretty outfit! haha cant wait to show it off to me.
i can see here and tell alot more blessings, i was up ALL nite and there were plenty to think of but I should probably get ready for the day. :)
hope you all have a great day! 01 02 18

Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Tale from the Worse Mother in the World

I recently came across an article one of my homeschooling mom friends posted on her wall. It was out of homeschooling magazine and it was called "The Bitter Homeschooler". I read it and laughed so incredibly hard. Ive been in situations where poeples hurtful comments had made me want to respond in snarky ways and this lady answered all the questions the snarkiest. Ofcourse following the homeschooler code we usually try to gently "educate" those people who ask or say rude things about are children but its nice to get a laugh like that every now and then, becuase lets face it homeschoolers, we have ALL been judged  for our decision. So I posted this article on my wall, for my homeschooling friends to read, and get a little laugh from, but instead to my horror it just pulled more naysaysers and assumers out of the wood work who, instead of actually reading the article, must have stopped at "The Bitter Homeschooler" and decided they would let me know what they thought of my deciding to homeschool my children.
An interesting assesment was that I am, in her words, "selfish" for homeschooling my children. Hmm. Ive been called every name in the book from relatives and strangers but "selfish"? That is a new one. Lets review......6 years ago in my womb grew my first little blessing. I was excited, the rest of my family? not so much. Thats okay though. My family new how that I wasnt planning on circumsizing, vaccinating or sending my children to public school all without even asking me! You must say they are all very intuned with me? Actually no. They assumptions of why I was doing this was becuase I trusted God over government and chose a healthy way of living (not seeing doctors unless neccesary). My one relative even tore into me saying that I had best take my child to the doctor if they were sick and not letting them die becuase of my "beliefs". WOW! So you can see that my life as a mother was already riddled with assumptions, alienation and woes, becuase not one person actually asked me WHY! After Talon turned two and he was so incredibly smart and already learning alot at home through play I was in love with the idea of homeschooling him. I coudnt imagine sending him to someone else to learn all these things, andw hy should I if I can do just as good of a job at home? But could I? I then spent years, YEARS reading all that I could about homeschooling. I was on my own with this. I had noone to ask, so I turned to those who homeschooled and had experiences and then put them into books. They were my support team. I think the librarians were on my side about the homeschooling, they would make comments like "You are going to do great with him" and "I think you will know everything about homeschooling before you even start" After I took out the second to the last book and ordered another one from them. By this point Talon was in pre K, at home ofcourse, and he was already learning phonics, numbers, and some small addition. I decided after all I read that it will be hard, but that it would be worth it in the long run. Plus he enjoyed it, and learning should always be fun, never  a chore. Once Talon was really into it, the comments from relatives continued. One even said the only reason I homeschool is becuase I chose not to vaccinate. HAH! Alot of children are not vaccinated and are in public school, its called signed waivers. EVery child deserves to go to school, even the ones whose religion does not allow them to get injected with different virus's every month. Now that Talon is in first grade, I really know what it takes to be my childrens teacher, I have to go through the extensive lists of different curriculums before the begning of each school year that takes about two months, order the expensive cashe of learning tools, and then at the begining of each week write out a lesson plan for both children, this can take up to three hours. Sometimes I have to run to the library or copy center to copy out worksheets from a book so the book can be reused later. Busy Sunday. During Monday through Friday and sometimes Saturday my days are spent teaching to kids on very different levels what they need to learn to succeed. I spend a few hours each week running my son to his extra curriculum activities and play dates. I also have to squeeze into this already full schedule, cleaning the house, laundery, my sewing for my business, doctors visits, and food shopping. This makes me a very busy bee. Do I sometimes wish I could send them off to school and have my days to myself? yeah, for a second. I even ask my son every now and then if he would like to try going "off to school" like the children in his neighborhood, he thinks about it and says, "No, I like learning here (pointing to the table)".  So here I am, I have a full schedule, no family really that "btothers" with me...just recently had a birthday and only my father remembered! and spent the past 6 years hearing about how Im the worse mother in the world for making decisions for my son that I feel God has layed on my heart, concious well thought out and well researched decisions that have proven to be WORKING because if any of you actually stepped foot in my house or spent more then an hour with my children a year would know that they are alright kids, and that they will be alright. I chose a hard path, becuase I am not doing with the norm is. Im following the path that God has chosen for me. SO does this make me SELFISH? If it does, maybe I need to look at the dictionary again for the correct meaning.
The next topic, Ive heard this one alot, "How will my children act out in the "readl world" if they havent been properly "taught" to behave in highschool settings.?" Well! This question always kind of boggles me. I went to a christian college. All of the kids on my hallway were relatively straight laced and I stuck with them because they were like me, non drinkers, non partiers, sweet God respecting folks. One of which I still keep in touch with today, ten years later. However, there were some girls and boys in that school that went to PRIVATE CHRISTIAN SCHOOLS and partied every nite! I could not beleive how much those kids could drink, and the foul mouths they had! I did not judge them, they shocked me, but I just hoped they were letting lose appropriately and prayed they didnt drive while in that state. Now lets take a glimpse at my life, I was raised in a way that left me mostly to my own devices. I went to public school, I spent 8th and 9th grade drinking vodka from first period to lunch. YEs, thats right. HARD LIQUOR! I was an unhappy camper who wasnt taught how to deal properly with my feelings and I had an older brother and a father who drank so if it worked for them....IT would work for me. Thankfully by the time i was actually old enough to LEGALLY be in a bar, I had changed my life. I found God. And I am thankful for that everyday. So yes, maybe some homeschoolers would let lose a little once in a college setting. Would it be becuase he or she was homeschooled? Absolutely not! It has to do with the way they are brought up, were they raised with positive parenting? You must want to make these assumptions to "warn me" becuase your heart is in the right place, but dont forget you are talking about my child here. Im am not the percet parent but I believe in positive gentle parenting and maybe my kids might slip up a bit in the "real world" but as a human being, we all arent perfect, homeschooled or not, this world we live in is full of temptations and id like you to let me know when YOU havent fallen for one here or there. I know I have.
I will end my rant here, having said whats on my heart. I only ask that poeple stop and think about things before they speak to another mother. And please stop assuming I chose things becuase of whatever reason that comes to YOUR head. I dont assume you chose things to hurt your kids, dont assume im irresponsible for chosing my decisions. 01 02 18

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


On the outside
looking in
your never one
with anyone

on the outside
looking in
like bound to loneliness
never a fit

on the oustide
looking in
can hurt or tear
what lies within
on the outside
looking in 01 02 18

Monday, January 2, 2012

A New Dawn, A New Day, A New Life for me

The new year rung in bringing me a different look on things and alot more perspective on my life. Since my son was good I allowed both the children to stay up as late as tthey could, however they only made it till 1130 when we all headed up for some cuddles in bed. They immediately dozed off and began snoring while I sat and thought about the year that just had passed, and the year, life that lay ahead. I thought about all of my blessings and was overfilled with all of the new poeple I met the past years. However be it, none of them were in real life, but as most of my real life friends abandoned me after my mothers passing, these new friends stepped in and gave me comfort, love and compassion that was really need, God compensates. Without these friends I would have withdrew even deeper into myself and my depression and who knows what would have came of that. I still have no idea who was so kind as to send me so many much needed clothe diapers, but I think even when my kids are pottytrained and no longer needing them I will still think fondly how almost complete strangers had shown me such love and care. Now the girls that I have been close to on here, though live quite a distance from and have only speaking to on the phone and on here, are helping me out by sending me the iron suppliments i need to ensure myself a healthy delivery. 
I wish I could say that my husband and I had a stronger marraige then ever, but sadly we do not. Alot of trust has been broken over the years, and with him again, losing his job it adds stress to the household. He is not a motivated man and to me, if you cannot be motivated to take care of your family then you shoudnt have made one. After encouraging him the past two months to find a job any job, that will pay our bills and ensure we have a home to raise our chidlren in, and later have savings so we can move to our farm (my life long dream) he has not made any changes. We still have no money coming in whatsoever except for the few kind poeple that collected money at their churchs so we can have gas money and pay some bills, (which i am so thankful for) I must say my nerves are shot.
As the neighbors came out of their houses blowing their party horns and banging on their pans yelling "Happy New Year!"  I snuggled closer to my babys and felt my unborn baby kicking and flipping around in his/her own celebration. I decided that its my dream to live on a farm, its my desire and my childrens right to live financially comfterable, and if no ammount of encouraging, or examples set will make my husband change for the better and do the work needed, then I will have to grab the riegns on this too. I cant imagine my being able to make more time in the day for sewing and selling things, but if thats what i have to do, I will. So starting today, since Its winter time and my extra time wont be going to gardening or freezing or canning it will be going towards sewing and selling my dresses, aprons, quilts, decorative pot holders and soaps. Maybe Ill even start to make some clothe diapers and see how those sell. For anyone who is reading this please say a prayer, or send positive vibes my way. I will need them. Im already at the end of my energy just teaching and caring for my children, animals and this house but I know if God layed it on my heart, that it will work out. So here goes....2012 the year that I, ELLIELIZ will turn things around for myself and make my dreams happen. We only have one life! Better make the best of it!!! Did I mention that in 5 days I will be 31 years old? :)

id like to make a special note: I speepily left an important new friend that i did make in real life who has a huge heart and helped my family out alot this year. If it wasnt for her and her family our children woudnt have had much ofa  christmas, and many times would have ran out of food. She also supplies me with coupons :) You know who you are, i think the biggest help of all was just being someone to talk to, having another adult to talk to every now and then really is an uplifting thing when you spend all of your hours all of your days talking to kids and cats. Yes i talk to my cats ;) She moved a few weeks ago and I miss her so, but I know that its not the end and I will see her every now and again :) 01 02 18