Sunday, February 19, 2012

Some Spring in my Step!

Oh I am so excited! About what? Well alot of things, firstly in what seems like a very short month and a half or so I should be giving birth to my third babylove. I am delighted! But before that, there is the hustle and bustle of getting ready for our spring garden! We as a family trecked to the garden center last week to purchase our first round of seeds and soon will spread out our seed starters onto our dining room table and plant our little seedlings. So I guess you can say we will be adding many new seedlings to our family, of many varieties. Shortly after the new babys birth we will be planting these seedlings in our new raised bed gardens outside. A metamorphosis will occur outside, with the breaking down of that rusty gross contraption of a garage, as well as losing a ivy covered tree stump and a huge patch of rocks. Most of that area will be replaced with nice sod and surrounded by an even nicer privacy fence, for those nosy neighbors that have dubbed our compost heap as a "public saftey hazard" *rolls eyes*.  Needless to say, Im one happy mamma!
And you know, Im a happy mamma for another reason to. I have learned alot about myself as a mother in these past few months, as well as grown alot stronger as a mom too. You ever hear the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" ? Well maybe that is true for some, but as Ive realised, not for me. When I was put on bedrest a few months ago, the bad kind of bedrest where your not allowed to get up (not like I could becusae of the pain being so bad) I thought Id have some help from some friends. But it turned out, they all were busy. So I was stuck doing it on my own. Besides my out of state and out of country friends sending me wonderful and thoughtful care packages filled with toys and things to keep the children entertained, and a wonderful book for me to read about learning to handle things with Grace (much needed to learn, thank you!) I was on my own. I could do this! And you know what? I did. I managed the unimanagable. I took care of my kids all by myself without any help whatsoever without even getting up from the couch! And I managed to do it without neglecting my kids. As I was slowly able to get up and do more I realised (again) just how cool and awesome my kids are. They worked together to help me, my two year old as sweet as can be, smothered me with kisses and offered to help me everytime i got up to cook. My six year old was more then delighted to help his little sis on the potty, wash her hands, get a toy she cant reach, get something for me, even take the stinky diapers to put in the wet bag or clean up accidents from a potty trainer. As I sulked and felt bad for a while because after some things had been said, I was feeling bad for even needing help, I realised, that I didnt need help in the first darned place. So though nobody ever really tells me much outside my little group of girlfriends and my husband that I am a good mom...and my kids telling me all the time. I really know it and believe it. And with that, to me is as fresh and new a feeling as the spring that will surely come soon. I am a good mom. And even when I do need some help, becuase lets face it, everyone DOES need help sometimes and that does not mean you shoudnt have more kids, or shoudnt have HAD kids, Im still not a bad mom. And to all my girls that have been such an ongoing encouragment to me, I thank you and I love you from the bottem of my heart. 01 02 18

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Sibling Love

When I was growing up I can never remember a time where my brother and I played together. When he wasnt kicking me out of his room for wanting to play GI Joe with him, or hitting me for messing up his plans. One of my earliest memories is us playing hide and seek with the nieghborhood children and he calling me an "a--hole" becuase I accidently gave up his hiding spot and made him lose. I only wanted to hide with him. As I grew up and made friends with others, I found it completely shocking that other siblings got along, I coudnt figure out what I had done wrong to make my brother hate me so. But it always weighed on my heart. I must have been a bad sister from the start, before I could even remember. I, apparently, had ruined my brothers life as a baby, and though I had no recolection of it, it had happened.
Years later when I got married and started havng children, ( I always knew from an early age that I wanted a clean "dozen" thought that number has went down considerably after my first labor) I always worried in the back of my mind, if my children would hate one another from the start. What if they didnt get along? Since I was too young to understand what went wrong between my brother and I, How could I stop my children from enduring the same fate. HOW on EARTH would I get them to love one another?
As I was pregnat with my second child, a girl, the fear in my heart grew from a quiet ember to a big heavy hot rock in my chest. Ofcourse it didnt help that everyone was telling me how jealous Talon would be, how I should never leave him alone with her for fear he might take his jealousy out on her by hitting her punching her, and even as I was on my way to pick him up from a friends house hed been staying at while I was in the hospital having her, was told "Oh this is going to be REALLY bad, hes going to have a hard time adjusting and be REALLY jealous, GOOD LUCK WITH HIM!"  As if they were telling me I should bring her back to the hospital and go on living life with just him. Now Im sure they didnt mean that, but in my nervous mind I thought  " They havent even met yet and its already started." Ive ruined my sons life, and he surely will hate her, the way my brother hated me. However, we pulled up in front of their house, and I i walked over to my son with a great big hug and a kiss, thanked my friends and helped him into his car seat, which was installed right next to his sleeping new baby sister. He looked at her with the biggest smile on his face and sayed with such awe and admiration " Shes absolutely beautiful!" She opened her eyes, looked at him, and smiled. For as long as her sleepy eyes could stay open she looked and studied his face as if asking "where have you been? I have been looking for you!" The days after we came home, he kissed her, squeezed her, loved on her, bugged and bugged me to hold her, layed next to her while she nursed and insisted he do everything for her. I still had not let my guard down, I was still waiting for the jealousy to set in. As the first year went by and she became big enough to sit up and play with toys, he was extactic to play along side with her. She was just as happy to be big enough to play with him! She did all she could to keep up with him, and he was delighted to be able to teach this new little being everything he knew. Now two years later, there have been some minor arguments, some accidental "ow! Talon hurt me!" and vice versa, but Ive never seen to kids dote and love eachother so much. It finally dawned on me at one point between these two years that I didnt have to do one little thing to make these two sibligs love eachother, they just did. There was tiny twinges of jealousy here and there from Talon but he talked to me about it, we worked it out and things moved on as normal. So now as I am pregnat with my third, whether it be a girl or a boy and poeple already are saying "Oh how is your super attached to the hip daughter going to share you with a new baby"  I just smile and say "oh no worries, itll work out." Becuase I know that though things might be a tough adjustment for all of us, the bottem line is, the love is as instant for them, as it is for me...and as long as there is love, everything else just works out. <3 01 02 18

Saturday, February 4, 2012

A thoughtful Encounter

I think I have a good poker face. If someone asks me how Im doing and Im less then stellar  I will tell them Im good with a smile on my face.  My husband I guess can see right through this. I guess he should, well be  married for 7 years on the 14th. Hes watched me for the past year or so struggle with the fact  that I am so isolated. I know Ive voiced it on here many times. If I didnt have a computor i woudnt have any contact with my friends who are all so far away. Hes been pushing me to get out make friends, get out and do things to meet new poeple. I just cant trust anyone, I have the ability to see through poeples false promisses, and b.s. and so many are just filled with them. ugh! But I know he means well. He wants me to be happy. I think hes watched me sit on bedrest and sees me sink even deeper into the realisation of how alone in this I am, that hes been trying even harder to find me friends. I really appreciate it....but i just cant let anyone in! I feel like I belong in this club that says no new members right across my heart.
So I say over and over again, that I dont need anyone, but maybe I do.
Im so glad that my one far away friend is coming to stay with us for the babys arrival. It has liftened my spirits alot and given me comfort to know that someone will be able to care for both of my kids while im birthing and to help me after the baby is born. To stop everything and give up weeks of your life so you can be apart of our team, our family means so much to me and my hubs! I dont think Im a completely hopeless cause, i kow we wont always be in this situation, I know in my heart that one day I will find my true bosom buddy! Someone that lets me in and that I can let in, like I had once before...But for now, I stand on my own island....with my kids, my hubby and my cats and hamster. Working it out....working it out....with the spirit of God in my heart :) 01 02 18