Sunday, June 24, 2012

Lukes Birth

Luke 18:27  What is impossible with men is possible with God

         John 16:33  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

                             I have taken my time in writing my birth story. It took me time to digest all that has happened and get all my words and thoughts together on the matter. You see it isnt just a normal birth story, it has been a long awaited finale with a journey that was never easy to get to the outcome. A beautiful outcome it was! So let me finally begin.

My birth starts with the outcome of my first two births. I tried both times to have a natural birth, both ended up with csection because of being set up to fail. Doctors told me that my hips were just to narrow and I could never birth a baby naturally. Anyone that knows me, knows that when someone tells me I cant, Im going to let you know that I CAN. So I asked everyone why I coudnt. Nobody could give me evidance why I coudnt, but I found tons of evidance why I could. My local ICAN chapter helped me out alot with this. My midwives helped me out alot with this. My doula helped me out alot. My chiropractor gave me alot of encouragment and help. I had a really good team. But even with that, I still had the words from the drs. stuck in my head, especially my recent doctors. " I am too small." They said. "he has broad shoulders and will get stuck" they said, "There is so much water he could get hurt"  they said. It was a battle to not get caught up with those lies. Finally at 41 weeks, It was time to prove them all wrong. I woke up after having off and on contractions for three days, I didnt sleep much at all the nite before becuase of them, and when I went to use the potty, I lost the rest of my mucous plug ( I had lost some of it two days prior) It was gross. I love all birth stuff, but I have a queezy stomach). I realised that I was unable to walk through the contractions anymore. I went downstairs and drew a bath. I remembered that I had to go get blood drawn that day, as well as a chiropractor appt. I also had to take my friend who was staying with us for a few weeks to the airport. It was a busy day, and none of it was going to be achieved by me becuase today was the day I was finally going to have my baby! I asked husband to text Karen (our midwife) and explain that I coudnt get the blood drawn today, she was happy! And to let Heather (our doula) know that I was in the tub relaxing and that today was the day. She came right on over! I am a very needy person and need constant reassurance, it was so nice to have Heather there with me, becuase she helped me alot! I spet the first hours and hours of my labor listening to Bob Dylan while pacing back and forth, and resting while watching the Iron chef with the sound turned down. My friend came to keep my kids busy. As the nite fell and my other midwife Wendy arrived I felt exhausted and was worrying that I will never have him. I tried to sleep but it was so hard, contractions had been comimng every three or four minutes since the morning, and it seemed like it would never get time to push! Well when I finally got into the pool, I was able to take a nap. Im not even sure how long it was, but that nap was so nice! Once I woke up things got super more intense and thats when Karen asked to check me. I had to get out of the pool and she seemed pleased at where I was, I asked her how open I was but she woudnt tell me ( I had asked her at some point in my pregnancy not to). It didnt seem much longer after Karen checked me that I was feeling like my body was trying violently to push the baby out. I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and started to push as hard as I could but nothing was happening! I was so tired, and I remember closing my eyes right there on the toilet and that is when I heard the birds. I knew right then, that a new day was coming and panic started to set in. I was exhausted, I was pushing for a while it seemed and maybe what the doctors said was right, Maybe my pelvis was too narrow. Maybe I coudnt do this! In a short time my kids would be awake again and I knew that if I didnt give birth to my baby soon, I would have to miss out another day with my kids! I needed to birth him NOW. I opened my eyes and looked at Heather and burst into tears stating "I cant do this! I know Im a failure but I have to go the hospital now and have him NOW!" Thats when Karen popped in and said in a gentle voice " Let me help you Ellie, come sit on the birth stool and see if we can have this baby, if I cannot help you, then we will take you in" . So I followed Karen, Heather and Wendy into the living room and sat on the birthing stool. I immediately got another contraction and started to push. Karen put a warm rag on my bottem and I pushed again. She put a chux pad over her and Wendy did the same, then she said, one hard push Ellie! So I did, thinking that it would do the trick, and POP!! and WHOOSH! Out came all of that water I was carrying around, like a ocean wave RIGHT ON KAREN AND WENDY! I think Karen got the most of it, I apologised and she laughed and said it was part of birth. I went to push again and he was crowning! They told me to feel for his hair and I felt it....I still didnt believe that he was coming though! I pushed again and out came his head! He was crying! Now even though I never felt like I got much of a break between the contractions before, waiting to get the push sensation after his head came out felt like an hour. lol I wanted so badly to push him the rest of the way out and hold him in my arms (not to mention comfort him since he was crying) and finally that last push and in two seconds he was in my arms with a hat and a blanket (wow Karen and Wendy are QUICK!) and I was just shocked! I sat there holding my baby in my arms. He was my third child and the first baby I got to hold, got to birth and got to nurse immediately. He latched on perfectly before I even pushed out the placenta! I realised that I  didnt see whether or not he was a boy or girl (I was so sure my gut instincts were right) but I checked anyway, and there it was, hes a boy! I looked up at Heather who was taking my picture and crying too, I had forgotten she was there becuase in my exhausted state I coudnt see her anymore, it turns out she was behind me holding me up! So there it is. I gave birth, to a almost 9 pound baby, surrounded by the 4 people that believed in me most and that I trusted, and woudnt have been able to do without. Karen always said throughout the entire pregnancy that its the mammas that do all the work, and should take all the credit,but with my situation I must insist, that without Karen and the rest of my birth team, Luke would not have come naturally. He would have been another heart breaking unnecesary cesarean. Even though I believe in birth, and I knew in my heart that my body wasnt broken, with my lack of self esteem and confidance in myself and my abilites, I needed someone that I can trust, to tell me that I CAN do it. Karen was one of the people that I trusted, if she said I could do it, I can! She had earned my trust 6 years earlier when she caught a problem with my first born, so I knew that if I could do it, she'd know it. She woudnt put me and my child in danger. I thank her and Wendy and Heather every time I look down at my precious little boy, becuase even though I was the one to grow, love, nourish and then push him out of me, without them, and without God..I would NOT have known it was in me. My body is NOT broken.

01 02 18

Friday, June 8, 2012

Dear Mamma

I never thought I'd be writing you this letter. A letter you will never read. I never thought Id never be able to speak to you again. Atleast not this soon. I miss you so very much, I am angry,sad and heart broken. Tomorrow I will go back to your house where I grew up, and where you spent thirty or so years making it cozy, and go through your clothes and shoes. I know it sounds melodramatic but most nites, I cry myself to sleep. Because you are not in my world anymore, and I feel so very alone. What can I say? You were always my home base. You were who I went to to feel validated, and loved. When I needed assurance, you gave it to me. When I needed to be put in place, you put me there. You knew me better then anyone else, and you loved me in spite of it, for good and for bad. And now that your gone I feel listless, lost and alone. I just had another baby, a little boy, who you will never meet. I will get to watch him grow but you will never get to even know his name. I hate this. I hate watching my daughter growing up doing things that she got from YOUR gene pool and not be able to call you up and thank you for it. Share the cute and proud moments with my children with you. You always were the next person to appreciate them as much as me. You loved my kids, almost as much as me. Because you truely loved me. I want you back....but thats not ever possible. I keep waiting for you to come back, like if I have good behavior.....or if I just suffer long enough, the phone will ring and it will be you, telling me it was just a bad dream.
As I go through my days without you, trying to adjust to the world without you in it, I remember all of our memories. I remember as a child I hated going to school becuase I didnt want to leave you, I was afraid that if I left you something bad would happen to you, or to me and I woudnt find you again. I remember going on vacation with you and how you always made it so special, even if it just meant that I could pick out my own cereal, and a movie to watch at the cabin. I remember how you always would remind me of my good traits when I was down about myself. I remember dancing with you ever Sunday nite to Jackie Wilson, in your bedroom before bed. Who will dance with me now? I remember you taking me to dance three nites a week and all my competitions and recitals and rehearsals. Telling everyone how proud you were of me to have such a good dancer in the family. I remember how sentimental I was and still am, and I would never throw anything away, especially if you gave it to me. I once got upset with you for sending me to my room and I threw a knick knack you gave to me from the beach agaisnt my walla nd it never punished me for it because you knew from my face how sorry I was. I remember you tucking me in every nite and making my stuffed monkey dance to the "witch doctor" song before kissing me goodnite.I remember years later I would tuck you in to the same bed when I cared for you during your first battle with cancer. Then a year later, It would be the last place I would talk to you before you left this world. And now...on my bed, the bed where I used to feel so cozy as a child, reading my books...daydreaming about my future, lies all of your clothes and things waiting for me to come and get them. I never imagined this would happen, atleast not now or not for a very very long time. Quite honestly Mom, I am mad. I am sad. I am wondering if I will ever feel "right" again. Can you tell me? If only you can hug me one last time and tell me that I will be alright. 01 02 18

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Bucket List

Does everyone have a bucket list? Ive always been a big fan of lists. I remember reading Anastasia Crumpnik book when I was a little girl, and she wrote lists about everything and I remember feeling like finally I was understood, or maybe I understood more about myself? Hah. Well I thought Id share my list on here. Its changed and expanded over the years. Im constantly adding to it and taking things away. but most have stayed the same since I was a kid.

1) To have children (check!)
2) To live on a farm/homestead
3) play the violen
4) go to culinary school
5) write a novel
6) own the first edition of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
7) be a treasure broker
8) travel to the west coast
9) learn french
10) visit iceland
11) own and run a bakery
12) hike the entire length of the Apalachian trail 01 02 18

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Lifes A Bloomin'

Look what I found in my garden today!

Arent they lovely?! And Kayce, Ive got my eye on you! If my lavender is missing, I know who to ask first! ;)
01 02 18

Saturday, June 2, 2012


We do giggles

                                     We do cuddles
                                                   We do hugs and snuggles

                                   01 02 18