Friday, December 30, 2011

The End of One Year, The Begining of another

This year was tough. One of the toughest I would say. Ive been through alot of trials in my life, and what makes this different is that I have my faith and trust in God, where as before, I was on my own.
So much has happened this year, If I didnt constantly have my faith, and the ability to look at the good in everything, I might have lost what was most important, FAITH!
It was my first full year without my mother, that in itself was a challenge. I worry I will forget her face, that I will forget her voice. It upsets me to know that we lost so much time over silly quarrels and I relive them in my head changing the outcome, or fixing mistakes I made. I know that is not a very productive way to live though, so I try to make sure that the relationships I have now, arent riddled with mistakes. To treat people with respect and expect nothing short of respect back. Everytime my children hit a milestone or do something so adorable I feel happy that I am there for it, and horribly sad i have noone to share it with that will appreciate the cuteness as much as me. I used to run to the phone to tell my mother, I know it would make her heart sing just as much as mine. I wish I appreciated that more when she was alive. Now I hope in some way she can see it helps me get by.
I also lost my bestfriend, No she didnt pass away, but she chose a way of living that doesnt allow us to communicate or see one another. She is lost to me forever, our children will never know eachother, I will never get to confide in her, or her confide in me. I always felt like she would be there, for nearly 18 years she had been, I never though she could hurt me, but.....people do shock you! So again, I feel alone. These two huge changes in my life cuased me to hide away from the world. My husband calls me a hermit. I prefer a shut in. It sounds less deranged. My ability to trust poeple is gone. I cannot bring myself to really opening my heart to poeple. Its just my children and I. I have made a few new friends here and there who I care about, but  I havent let my guard down.....and I doubt I will do that again. Just opens myself to hurt. Trust noone.
We bought our house, where this would be a good thing for most poeple it was actually a painful process through and through and we ended up being very screwed financially through out the entire process by the seller of the home. She claims she lost, but the truth is, she didnt lose as much as we did. and she chose to let the house go to short sale, and wanted it to foreclose. So after 6 months of making a sale, we were financially struggling more then ever and attempting to do everything possible to get back on our feet...just as we were coming out of it slightly, my husband loses his job. We have not had any money coming in two months. Its very scary, but we are counting our blessings, we have always had what we need and for the most part alll of the companys we owe seem to understand. (cept for the credit cards) the children were even given i would have to say their best christmas due to so many thoughtful friends (angels) helping out ...I cannot thank them enough! I have learned so much from all the bad that has happened and even more from the good.
I know that everything happens for a reason andw ith teh bad good is always worked into it. I learned that you cant buy the feeling that you get when so many strangers will pull together to help a family in need. It has also made my son think about how much he has to be greatful for, and now he wants to help donate food to food banks. I encourage him to do so, (small bonus, the community service will loook good for getting into Yale) I have gotten so many examples of how we are protected and taken care of. That we will never go without. To trust!!
Some good things that happened this year also, Im expecting another blessing. In three months we will welcome a new sweet babe into the world and I am so excited to meet this little fiesty love bug dancing around in  my belly. Our plans for the new year is to start our own business's. How? I have no idea, but Im sure something will work out. Life might be throwing us a hard ball lately for whatever reason, but we are throwing them back and working harder then ever to get our life back on track, Makes me content to know, that we are not doing it alone.
Happy New Years everyone, I hope the new year brings happiness, love and peacefullness to everyone <3 01 02 18