Tuesday, January 31, 2012


My two previous births were both planned to be natural. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered as I was wheeled or led into the operating room for what I thought were necessary c-sections. After alot of research I found out that both could have been avoided. This third pregnancy, I know just how to avoid it. Before you all get your panties in a bunch, I also know when its neccesary. I love this baby just as much as my first two but I also know how dangerous it is to go into another major abdonimal surgery unless its absolutely neccesary for baby and me. I also am getting the affects of the previous surgerys after being put on bedrest two weeks ago. Im having the adhesion pain that poeple get after having surgery. My big baby is swelling my belly and tearing the scar tissue from my muscle sutcher. The good news is, that its not my uteros. Bad news is, the pain could send me into early labor and so Im stuck on the couch.
Makes me realise just how alone in this I am. My husband has been trying his hard to help me when hes home, but hes not home that much. He goes into work early inthe morning and i do not see him again until after the children are in bed. The children and our cats still need me during the day, but how can I do that from the couch? We have been schooling from the couch, playing blocks, puzzles, coloring. I only get up to make their meals and clean up their meals. Usually by the third meal I can feel the ache in my side. And am beat for the rest of the nite. Tucking my son in, is torture by that point. Im cranky, and  not a very happy smiley mommy that I usually am.
Lets also take into consideration the OCD that I have. On a normal day, I would get up, make breakfast, eat breakfast, sweep and mop the floors. Get the kids and me cleaned and dress. And start school. After each meal I will spray and wipe down all the counters, even the ones i didnt use. I also disenfect the bathrooms most used surfaces everyday, sometimes twice. I cannot stand germs. I cant do this. I also cant expect bob to do this for me. So this makes my mood even more sour, becuase as my daughter decides shes ready to plunge into potty training, Talon is the one who has to take her to the potty and Im sitting onthe couch hoping behind hope that he washes her hands and his hands properly becuase i know the toilet is covered in germs.
They are also pent up. I will always try to take them outside everyday to get fresh air and stretch their legs. Instead they are stuck inside, in the living room with me. They have been taking to run back and forth the length of the house, which causes usually my little girl to fall, Thank goodness for Talons after school activities!
But all in all, I know its worth it. When this is over I will have a beautiful baby. That I wanted so very much. Does it bother me that besides their father Im the only one that really wanted this baby? Sometimes, but I also know that unlike friends and family, THIS  family Im making on my own, is here to stay. Its really true that the best family you can have, is the one that you make.  This family Im making  will not turn their backs on me, they will not make false judgement on me, they will not tell me to not have anymore kids and then scoff at me when I become ill carrying one. They are part of the same team here, routing for the same things. Eachother. And no matter where we go, or how far we will be together always. Routing eachother on, loving and encouraging eachother and being just that,  EACH OTHERS. These children of mine are my dreams come true. <3 01 02 03
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