Friday, June 8, 2012

Dear Mamma

I never thought I'd be writing you this letter. A letter you will never read. I never thought Id never be able to speak to you again. Atleast not this soon. I miss you so very much, I am angry,sad and heart broken. Tomorrow I will go back to your house where I grew up, and where you spent thirty or so years making it cozy, and go through your clothes and shoes. I know it sounds melodramatic but most nites, I cry myself to sleep. Because you are not in my world anymore, and I feel so very alone. What can I say? You were always my home base. You were who I went to to feel validated, and loved. When I needed assurance, you gave it to me. When I needed to be put in place, you put me there. You knew me better then anyone else, and you loved me in spite of it, for good and for bad. And now that your gone I feel listless, lost and alone. I just had another baby, a little boy, who you will never meet. I will get to watch him grow but you will never get to even know his name. I hate this. I hate watching my daughter growing up doing things that she got from YOUR gene pool and not be able to call you up and thank you for it. Share the cute and proud moments with my children with you. You always were the next person to appreciate them as much as me. You loved my kids, almost as much as me. Because you truely loved me. I want you back....but thats not ever possible. I keep waiting for you to come back, like if I have good behavior.....or if I just suffer long enough, the phone will ring and it will be you, telling me it was just a bad dream.
As I go through my days without you, trying to adjust to the world without you in it, I remember all of our memories. I remember as a child I hated going to school becuase I didnt want to leave you, I was afraid that if I left you something bad would happen to you, or to me and I woudnt find you again. I remember going on vacation with you and how you always made it so special, even if it just meant that I could pick out my own cereal, and a movie to watch at the cabin. I remember how you always would remind me of my good traits when I was down about myself. I remember dancing with you ever Sunday nite to Jackie Wilson, in your bedroom before bed. Who will dance with me now? I remember you taking me to dance three nites a week and all my competitions and recitals and rehearsals. Telling everyone how proud you were of me to have such a good dancer in the family. I remember how sentimental I was and still am, and I would never throw anything away, especially if you gave it to me. I once got upset with you for sending me to my room and I threw a knick knack you gave to me from the beach agaisnt my walla nd it never punished me for it because you knew from my face how sorry I was. I remember you tucking me in every nite and making my stuffed monkey dance to the "witch doctor" song before kissing me goodnite.I remember years later I would tuck you in to the same bed when I cared for you during your first battle with cancer. Then a year later, It would be the last place I would talk to you before you left this world. And now...on my bed, the bed where I used to feel so cozy as a child, reading my books...daydreaming about my future, lies all of your clothes and things waiting for me to come and get them. I never imagined this would happen, atleast not now or not for a very very long time. Quite honestly Mom, I am mad. I am sad. I am wondering if I will ever feel "right" again. Can you tell me? If only you can hug me one last time and tell me that I will be alright. 01 02 03
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