A Pause, A Brave Journey, and a Blessing named Luke

So I havent been writing for a while and I have a very good reason. His name is Luke. He was born April 17, 2012 and weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces of delicious baby love and despite being told I could not, I DID birth him naturally. Let me start from the begining. Ive always wanted to have children, the ammount has gone up and down over the years, considerably down since I had my son, and after we had our daughter we decided a year and a half later we would like to try for another.  Now mind, we never do anything to stop pregnancies. Yes, I said it. I know many would gasp and say "Ellieliz! How irresponsible of you!" But this was a decision that we came to a few years after Talon was born. We wondered to ourselves, how come we let others rule our lives with some things, and leave other things up to God? Shoudnt we be leaving EVERYTHING up to God? We can trust in God to see that we always have food and shelter, yet we cant trust THAT taboo subject up to God too. So we did. A few months after our little sprite girl turned a year old we got pregnant with baby number three. We got some congratulations from our friends who do follow Gods lead in allt hings and understood how we view children....and then their were those poeple who flat out told us, I am not happy for you, you shoudnt even have the kids you have now. YES!! This was said to us. Ofcourse some thought I should have waited longer, there is also those who think I should have six years between each kid, why? no clue. If you ask me, none of these people should say anything but a big fat congrats and leave it at that, becuase unless you are here, taking care of my kids, paying our bills, and putting food in their mouths and clothes on their backs I dont think how many or when is really up to you.  Now the next obstacle. I had two prior cesarean births, NOT BY CHOICE! I was robbed from having two natural births by doctors and hospitals that simply set me up to FAIL. Now THEY failed me, I did not fail my children. I did my part. I gave up my favorite caffienated drinks, I cut back WAY cut back on my sugar in take, I excersized, destressed in natural ways and allowed my body to go into labor on its own....the end results were of not knowing my rights. I came into this birth knowing my rights, knowing the dangers of having another cesarean birth or natural birth, I weighed the pros and cons of each and found that it was actually more safe for me to attempt a vbac again, then it was for me to walk in there and schedule another cesarean. The risks of a repeat csection were higher for me and my unborn child. And like with my last two children, I will take one for the team, and go through the pain and whatever i have to, so that my child will recieve the healthiest and saftest entrance into this world. I found the best midwife in the community, who after catching babys for 35 years has seen alot of succesful hbacs, and I found a set of doctors who up till my 39th week of pregnancy was on board with my vbac attempt. I hired a doula who was passionate about what i was doing as I was, and with my husband, and my friends as support, I had a great birth team and plan. I continued to educate myself through the journey, and even though I had to see a specialist weekly for extra fluid this specialist convinced me there was no reason not to go ahead with my plan, the worse thing that would happen with my extra fluid was that the water would make a mess. And a mess it did! After 41 weeks of naysayers and educating others and calming OTHERS fears, I finally gave birth to my little luke at home, on a quiet tuesday morning, with my birth team around me. I did what alot said I could never do, I birthed a big baby, with my inadaquet pelvis. HAH! Ofcourse I still get the "i was so scared for you, but glad it went well" statements, even from someone who smokes cigerrates throughout her pregnancys...which i would think is more dangerous then taking on natural birth, but I know these people dont mean harm. I just hope that my journey could educate them...The cesarean machine in the hospital these days are not becuase women need more cesareans due to small pelvis and big babies or whatever else they put in mammas heads these days, but out of convenience for the doctors, and in vbacs case, a liability for the hospital, end of story. Now there are some cases where cesarean IS neccesary and I am very greatful for those instances that they are needed. I simply just wish that more doctors would give BIRTH A CHANCE and leave their game of put put for another day. I probably wont be writing much after this post, With three littles now Im even more outnumbered but dont take that as a gripe, I LOVE IT. I love being surrounded by these children, I love how different each and every one of them are, their hearts are good, I have some good poeple here, and why not....maybe I will have another one day. But Im not thinking so much about that now...I just had a baby, and as I kiss his head and his cheeks and his hands and well you get it...im so very blessed that he is here. <3      have a good one guys! until next time...happy homesteading <3 01 02 18

Some Spring in my Step!

Oh I am so excited! About what? Well alot of things, firstly in what seems like a very short month and a half or so I should be giving birth to my third babylove. I am delighted! But before that, there is the hustle and bustle of getting ready for our spring garden! We as a family trecked to the garden center last week to purchase our first round of seeds and soon will spread out our seed starters onto our dining room table and plant our little seedlings. So I guess you can say we will be adding many new seedlings to our family, of many varieties. Shortly after the new babys birth we will be planting these seedlings in our new raised bed gardens outside. A metamorphosis will occur outside, with the breaking down of that rusty gross contraption of a garage, as well as losing a ivy covered tree stump and a huge patch of rocks. Most of that area will be replaced with nice sod and surrounded by an even nicer privacy fence, for those nosy neighbors that have dubbed our compost heap as a "public saftey hazard" *rolls eyes*.  Needless to say, Im one happy mamma!
And you know, Im a happy mamma for another reason to. I have learned alot about myself as a mother in these past few months, as well as grown alot stronger as a mom too. You ever hear the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" ? Well maybe that is true for some, but as Ive realised, not for me. When I was put on bedrest a few months ago, the bad kind of bedrest where your not allowed to get up (not like I could becusae of the pain being so bad) I thought Id have some help from some friends. But it turned out, they all were busy. So I was stuck doing it on my own. Besides my out of state and out of country friends sending me wonderful and thoughtful care packages filled with toys and things to keep the children entertained, and a wonderful book for me to read about learning to handle things with Grace (much needed to learn, thank you!) I was on my own. I could do this! And you know what? I did. I managed the unimanagable. I took care of my kids all by myself without any help whatsoever without even getting up from the couch! And I managed to do it without neglecting my kids. As I was slowly able to get up and do more I realised (again) just how cool and awesome my kids are. They worked together to help me, my two year old as sweet as can be, smothered me with kisses and offered to help me everytime i got up to cook. My six year old was more then delighted to help his little sis on the potty, wash her hands, get a toy she cant reach, get something for me, even take the stinky diapers to put in the wet bag or clean up accidents from a potty trainer. As I sulked and felt bad for a while because after some things had been said, I was feeling bad for even needing help, I realised, that I didnt need help in the first darned place. So though nobody ever really tells me much outside my little group of girlfriends and my husband that I am a good mom...and my kids telling me all the time. I really know it and believe it. And with that, to me is as fresh and new a feeling as the spring that will surely come soon. I am a good mom. And even when I do need some help, becuase lets face it, everyone DOES need help sometimes and that does not mean you shoudnt have more kids, or shoudnt have HAD kids, Im still not a bad mom. And to all my girls that have been such an ongoing encouragment to me, I thank you and I love you from the bottem of my heart. 01 02 18

Sibling Love

When I was growing up I can never remember a time where my brother and I played together. When he wasnt kicking me out of his room for wanting to play GI Joe with him, or hitting me for messing up his plans. One of my earliest memories is us playing hide and seek with the nieghborhood children and he calling me an "a--hole" becuase I accidently gave up his hiding spot and made him lose. I only wanted to hide with him. As I grew up and made friends with others, I found it completely shocking that other siblings got along, I coudnt figure out what I had done wrong to make my brother hate me so. But it always weighed on my heart. I must have been a bad sister from the start, before I could even remember. I, apparently, had ruined my brothers life as a baby, and though I had no recolection of it, it had happened.
Years later when I got married and started havng children, ( I always knew from an early age that I wanted a clean "dozen" thought that number has went down considerably after my first labor) I always worried in the back of my mind, if my children would hate one another from the start. What if they didnt get along? Since I was too young to understand what went wrong between my brother and I, How could I stop my children from enduring the same fate. HOW on EARTH would I get them to love one another?
As I was pregnat with my second child, a girl, the fear in my heart grew from a quiet ember to a big heavy hot rock in my chest. Ofcourse it didnt help that everyone was telling me how jealous Talon would be, how I should never leave him alone with her for fear he might take his jealousy out on her by hitting her punching her, and even as I was on my way to pick him up from a friends house hed been staying at while I was in the hospital having her, was told "Oh this is going to be REALLY bad, hes going to have a hard time adjusting and be REALLY jealous, GOOD LUCK WITH HIM!"  As if they were telling me I should bring her back to the hospital and go on living life with just him. Now Im sure they didnt mean that, but in my nervous mind I thought  " They havent even met yet and its already started." Ive ruined my sons life, and he surely will hate her, the way my brother hated me. However, we pulled up in front of their house, and I i walked over to my son with a great big hug and a kiss, thanked my friends and helped him into his car seat, which was installed right next to his sleeping new baby sister. He looked at her with the biggest smile on his face and sayed with such awe and admiration " Shes absolutely beautiful!" She opened her eyes, looked at him, and smiled. For as long as her sleepy eyes could stay open she looked and studied his face as if asking "where have you been? I have been looking for you!" The days after we came home, he kissed her, squeezed her, loved on her, bugged and bugged me to hold her, layed next to her while she nursed and insisted he do everything for her. I still had not let my guard down, I was still waiting for the jealousy to set in. As the first year went by and she became big enough to sit up and play with toys, he was extactic to play along side with her. She was just as happy to be big enough to play with him! She did all she could to keep up with him, and he was delighted to be able to teach this new little being everything he knew. Now two years later, there have been some minor arguments, some accidental "ow! Talon hurt me!" and vice versa, but Ive never seen to kids dote and love eachother so much. It finally dawned on me at one point between these two years that I didnt have to do one little thing to make these two sibligs love eachother, they just did. There was tiny twinges of jealousy here and there from Talon but he talked to me about it, we worked it out and things moved on as normal. So now as I am pregnat with my third, whether it be a girl or a boy and poeple already are saying "Oh how is your super attached to the hip daughter going to share you with a new baby"  I just smile and say "oh no worries, itll work out." Becuase I know that though things might be a tough adjustment for all of us, the bottem line is, the love is as instant for them, as it is for me...and as long as there is love, everything else just works out. <3 01 02 18

A thoughtful Encounter

I think I have a good poker face. If someone asks me how Im doing and Im less then stellar  I will tell them Im good with a smile on my face.  My husband I guess can see right through this. I guess he should, well be  married for 7 years on the 14th. Hes watched me for the past year or so struggle with the fact  that I am so isolated. I know Ive voiced it on here many times. If I didnt have a computor i woudnt have any contact with my friends who are all so far away. Hes been pushing me to get out make friends, get out and do things to meet new poeple. I just cant trust anyone, I have the ability to see through poeples false promisses, and b.s. and so many are just filled with them. ugh! But I know he means well. He wants me to be happy. I think hes watched me sit on bedrest and sees me sink even deeper into the realisation of how alone in this I am, that hes been trying even harder to find me friends. I really appreciate it....but i just cant let anyone in! I feel like I belong in this club that says no new members right across my heart.
So I say over and over again, that I dont need anyone, but maybe I do.
Im so glad that my one far away friend is coming to stay with us for the babys arrival. It has liftened my spirits alot and given me comfort to know that someone will be able to care for both of my kids while im birthing and to help me after the baby is born. To stop everything and give up weeks of your life so you can be apart of our team, our family means so much to me and my hubs! I dont think Im a completely hopeless cause, i kow we wont always be in this situation, I know in my heart that one day I will find my true bosom buddy! Someone that lets me in and that I can let in, like I had once before...But for now, I stand on my own island....with my kids, my hubby and my cats and hamster. Working it out....working it out....with the spirit of God in my heart :) 01 02 18

Bedresting

My two previous births were both planned to be natural. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered as I was wheeled or led into the operating room for what I thought were necessary c-sections. After alot of research I found out that both could have been avoided. This third pregnancy, I know just how to avoid it. Before you all get your panties in a bunch, I also know when its neccesary. I love this baby just as much as my first two but I also know how dangerous it is to go into another major abdonimal surgery unless its absolutely neccesary for baby and me. I also am getting the affects of the previous surgerys after being put on bedrest two weeks ago. Im having the adhesion pain that poeple get after having surgery. My big baby is swelling my belly and tearing the scar tissue from my muscle sutcher. The good news is, that its not my uteros. Bad news is, the pain could send me into early labor and so Im stuck on the couch.
Makes me realise just how alone in this I am. My husband has been trying his hard to help me when hes home, but hes not home that much. He goes into work early inthe morning and i do not see him again until after the children are in bed. The children and our cats still need me during the day, but how can I do that from the couch? We have been schooling from the couch, playing blocks, puzzles, coloring. I only get up to make their meals and clean up their meals. Usually by the third meal I can feel the ache in my side. And am beat for the rest of the nite. Tucking my son in, is torture by that point. Im cranky, and  not a very happy smiley mommy that I usually am.
Lets also take into consideration the OCD that I have. On a normal day, I would get up, make breakfast, eat breakfast, sweep and mop the floors. Get the kids and me cleaned and dress. And start school. After each meal I will spray and wipe down all the counters, even the ones i didnt use. I also disenfect the bathrooms most used surfaces everyday, sometimes twice. I cannot stand germs. I cant do this. I also cant expect bob to do this for me. So this makes my mood even more sour, becuase as my daughter decides shes ready to plunge into potty training, Talon is the one who has to take her to the potty and Im sitting onthe couch hoping behind hope that he washes her hands and his hands properly becuase i know the toilet is covered in germs.
They are also pent up. I will always try to take them outside everyday to get fresh air and stretch their legs. Instead they are stuck inside, in the living room with me. They have been taking to run back and forth the length of the house, which causes usually my little girl to fall, Thank goodness for Talons after school activities!
But all in all, I know its worth it. When this is over I will have a beautiful baby. That I wanted so very much. Does it bother me that besides their father Im the only one that really wanted this baby? Sometimes, but I also know that unlike friends and family, THIS  family Im making on my own, is here to stay. Its really true that the best family you can have, is the one that you make.  This family Im making  will not turn their backs on me, they will not make false judgement on me, they will not tell me to not have anymore kids and then scoff at me when I become ill carrying one. They are part of the same team here, routing for the same things. Eachother. And no matter where we go, or how far we will be together always. Routing eachother on, loving and encouraging eachother and being just that,  EACH OTHERS. These children of mine are my dreams come true. <3 01 02 18

Some count sheep, I count Blessings

I genuinly enjoy being pregnat. I dont mind the gas, the constipation, the morning sickness, the constant kicking and rib poking. I even can handle the emotions and the forgetfullness (i dont know if my husband can say the same haha) but the two things that occur during my pregnancies that really are hard to deal with are the heart burn and the wear tearing feelings I get on the left side of my stomach. Almost like the baby is ripping me open from the inside. They both occur at the end of the day, and one keeps me up most of the nite. HEART BURN! With my first baby it started at 8 months, it was bad, but staying up all nite was just something I thought would get me used to the change in my life about to occur. Id sit up and watch out the window at my housemates cat frollicking and playing in the moonlights glow all nite. During the day I didnt work anymore, so Id be home cleaning, cooking and relaxing. Sleepless nights were not too much of a problem. With my second the heart burn started around 7 and a 1/2 months and it got to be a bit tougher, but we took precautions to keep it at bay, and since Talon would nap so would I. This pregnancy the heart burn and sleepless nites started two months ago at 4 months. For two months ive been sleeping basicly from 4 am to 9am. I will take it! It is better then nothing, which is what I got last nite, nothing! I sat up all stinking nite listening to the snores and "other sounds" of my family sleeping around me and I tried to keep my worrisome thoughts at bay, as those thoughts always occur most easiest in the morning hours, when it seems like the man in the moon decides to give back your worries to you. To mull them over. Instead of thinking about those though, I sit up counting my blessings. Focusing on the positives in my life and saying thank you for each one. I am truelly blessed. I thought Id share these blessings with you.

I am grateful that I can see the good that comes out in the bad.
When my mother died, it was a huge loss, the biggest Ive had. But it brought my dad and me closer.
When my husband lost his job and we had no money whatsover but it showed us that we could trust in God because everything worked out, we never ran out of food, we didnt lose our home, and my kids had a good holiday, thanks to the kindness of others.
We keep getting examples that we can see and use to make ourselves better people.
that I am a humble person with a sense of  a humor about myself and dont have problems pointing out my own flaws and i dont mind working on myself. It sucks to hear things about myself im not ready to hear, but I really want to be strong, so I get over it, work on it, and move on.
im happy ive learned to look at myself more and stop looking at others, though i still have issues with that, i dont do it as much anymore.
that i have a really close friend who always encourages me, helps me fix things in my life through examples, and encouragment and will always stick up for me :)
happy i have my fb girls who  also always there to give encouragment and perhaps one day we will all meet.
and the little things in life which or so huge to me
my husband will rub my ankles and feet whenever i ask, even if they are stinky haha
that even when we dont have much money he will take a bit that we do have to make me feel special (like surprising me with a prenatel yoga dvd and yoga mat)
that if i cant keep up and i need to sit down and rest, he will pick up where i left off.
how the children listen for his car when hes coming home and then run to the kitchen yelling "da das home!!" and the come out and say "surprise!" giving him a improptu surprise party every time he comes home. i think its a nice thing for him to come home to.
im glad he comes home to us. :)
how eve will tell me to "com'n! da das home!" like i want to run along with them to surprise him at the door. haha
i love the look on talons face when he gets something during school.
how my kids play so nicely together and even though there is arguments there are never grudges.
how talon knows what he wants to be when he grows up and how im certain he will do it.
how Eve will show me what daddy put on her for the day. she loves wearing a pretty outfit! haha cant wait to show it off to me.
i can see here and tell alot more blessings, i was up ALL nite and there were plenty to think of but I should probably get ready for the day. :)
hope you all have a great day! 01 02 18

A Tale from the Worse Mother in the World

I recently came across an article one of my homeschooling mom friends posted on her wall. It was out of homeschooling magazine and it was called "The Bitter Homeschooler". I read it and laughed so incredibly hard. Ive been in situations where poeples hurtful comments had made me want to respond in snarky ways and this lady answered all the questions the snarkiest. Ofcourse following the homeschooler code we usually try to gently "educate" those people who ask or say rude things about are children but its nice to get a laugh like that every now and then, becuase lets face it homeschoolers, we have ALL been judged  for our decision. So I posted this article on my wall, for my homeschooling friends to read, and get a little laugh from, but instead to my horror it just pulled more naysaysers and assumers out of the wood work who, instead of actually reading the article, must have stopped at "The Bitter Homeschooler" and decided they would let me know what they thought of my deciding to homeschool my children.
An interesting assesment was that I am, in her words, "selfish" for homeschooling my children. Hmm. Ive been called every name in the book from relatives and strangers but "selfish"? That is a new one. Lets review......6 years ago in my womb grew my first little blessing. I was excited, the rest of my family? not so much. Thats okay though. My family new how that I wasnt planning on circumsizing, vaccinating or sending my children to public school all without even asking me! You must say they are all very intuned with me? Actually no. They assumptions of why I was doing this was becuase I trusted God over government and chose a healthy way of living (not seeing doctors unless neccesary). My one relative even tore into me saying that I had best take my child to the doctor if they were sick and not letting them die becuase of my "beliefs". WOW! So you can see that my life as a mother was already riddled with assumptions, alienation and woes, becuase not one person actually asked me WHY! After Talon turned two and he was so incredibly smart and already learning alot at home through play I was in love with the idea of homeschooling him. I coudnt imagine sending him to someone else to learn all these things, andw hy should I if I can do just as good of a job at home? But could I? I then spent years, YEARS reading all that I could about homeschooling. I was on my own with this. I had noone to ask, so I turned to those who homeschooled and had experiences and then put them into books. They were my support team. I think the librarians were on my side about the homeschooling, they would make comments like "You are going to do great with him" and "I think you will know everything about homeschooling before you even start" After I took out the second to the last book and ordered another one from them. By this point Talon was in pre K, at home ofcourse, and he was already learning phonics, numbers, and some small addition. I decided after all I read that it will be hard, but that it would be worth it in the long run. Plus he enjoyed it, and learning should always be fun, never  a chore. Once Talon was really into it, the comments from relatives continued. One even said the only reason I homeschool is becuase I chose not to vaccinate. HAH! Alot of children are not vaccinated and are in public school, its called signed waivers. EVery child deserves to go to school, even the ones whose religion does not allow them to get injected with different virus's every month. Now that Talon is in first grade, I really know what it takes to be my childrens teacher, I have to go through the extensive lists of different curriculums before the begning of each school year that takes about two months, order the expensive cashe of learning tools, and then at the begining of each week write out a lesson plan for both children, this can take up to three hours. Sometimes I have to run to the library or copy center to copy out worksheets from a book so the book can be reused later. Busy Sunday. During Monday through Friday and sometimes Saturday my days are spent teaching to kids on very different levels what they need to learn to succeed. I spend a few hours each week running my son to his extra curriculum activities and play dates. I also have to squeeze into this already full schedule, cleaning the house, laundery, my sewing for my business, doctors visits, and food shopping. This makes me a very busy bee. Do I sometimes wish I could send them off to school and have my days to myself? yeah, for a second. I even ask my son every now and then if he would like to try going "off to school" like the children in his neighborhood, he thinks about it and says, "No, I like learning here (pointing to the table)".  So here I am, I have a full schedule, no family really that "btothers" with me...just recently had a birthday and only my father remembered! and spent the past 6 years hearing about how Im the worse mother in the world for making decisions for my son that I feel God has layed on my heart, concious well thought out and well researched decisions that have proven to be WORKING because if any of you actually stepped foot in my house or spent more then an hour with my children a year would know that they are alright kids, and that they will be alright. I chose a hard path, becuase I am not doing with the norm is. Im following the path that God has chosen for me. SO does this make me SELFISH? If it does, maybe I need to look at the dictionary again for the correct meaning.
The next topic, Ive heard this one alot, "How will my children act out in the "readl world" if they havent been properly "taught" to behave in highschool settings.?" Well! This question always kind of boggles me. I went to a christian college. All of the kids on my hallway were relatively straight laced and I stuck with them because they were like me, non drinkers, non partiers, sweet God respecting folks. One of which I still keep in touch with today, ten years later. However, there were some girls and boys in that school that went to PRIVATE CHRISTIAN SCHOOLS and partied every nite! I could not beleive how much those kids could drink, and the foul mouths they had! I did not judge them, they shocked me, but I just hoped they were letting lose appropriately and prayed they didnt drive while in that state. Now lets take a glimpse at my life, I was raised in a way that left me mostly to my own devices. I went to public school, I spent 8th and 9th grade drinking vodka from first period to lunch. YEs, thats right. HARD LIQUOR! I was an unhappy camper who wasnt taught how to deal properly with my feelings and I had an older brother and a father who drank so if it worked for them....IT would work for me. Thankfully by the time i was actually old enough to LEGALLY be in a bar, I had changed my life. I found God. And I am thankful for that everyday. So yes, maybe some homeschoolers would let lose a little once in a college setting. Would it be becuase he or she was homeschooled? Absolutely not! It has to do with the way they are brought up, were they raised with positive parenting? You must want to make these assumptions to "warn me" becuase your heart is in the right place, but dont forget you are talking about my child here. Im am not the percet parent but I believe in positive gentle parenting and maybe my kids might slip up a bit in the "real world" but as a human being, we all arent perfect, homeschooled or not, this world we live in is full of temptations and id like you to let me know when YOU havent fallen for one here or there. I know I have.
I will end my rant here, having said whats on my heart. I only ask that poeple stop and think about things before they speak to another mother. And please stop assuming I chose things becuase of whatever reason that comes to YOUR head. I dont assume you chose things to hurt your kids, dont assume im irresponsible for chosing my decisions. 01 02 18