How to Carry on when noone loves you

I have no written in a long time.
 I keep meaning to, I have been gardening, landscaping my front and back yard, even quilting some. But I haven't the mindset to write about it. I don't even feel the same about it, while I am doing it. I feel I've lacked enthusiasm in most things these days.
I think its because I have stopped dreaming.
I didn't mean to, I tried to keep going, but I just cant. I cannot pretend to have a dream anymore, how can I?
The only person that believed in me and my dream is dead.  Gone. Up in the heavens, healed and perfect in her own little federal style house with a wrap around porch, she sits drinking lemonade, awaiting her family. I am down here in this horrible earth waiting for life to start again. Waiting to find myself again, my dreams, my passion, my zest!
It is true when they say, you can never go home again. See my mother was my home. It gave me contentment and stability to know that no matter how much I messed up, I could always go back to my mamma. She always would take me back and love me  no matter what. For a while after she died, I would go back to her home, that she poured so much of herself into, and I would feel her, like her heart was beating within the walls and I would feel safe again, just a little bit. SHE WAS STILL THERE. But now I cannot go there to feel her, she isn't there anymore, her heart beat is drowned out by another, squished with piles of mess and random items that remind me my mamma is no longer here. She is gone. So I have no home now.
Two weeks after my mamma passed I moved into a new neighborhood, a new house. I have not felt welcome here, its like living in a huge high school, everyone talks about you behind your back (usually mine) and I am not welcomed in the cool people group. I of course am fine with that. But there is a sense of loneliness to not having neighborly neighbors.  Putting the neighborhood aside, the house itself has never felt like home to me. The minute we signed settlement papers my husband lost his job, and we have never been able to fix up the house. So renovating it to feel like home has never happened. I cannot seem to ever get it clean enough, and everywhere I turn I see the touch of another woman, not my own. I feel like a visitor in my own house. 
Then back to the neighborhood, its a scream session after the next. I didn't know people could curse and shout at their little three year olds, let alone someone else, until I moved here. And after being here around that example for nearly two years I find myself shouting at my own little blessings. For I am frustrated, and it has become NORMALIZED. Before you get alarmed, I am working on this, seeking therapy, and praying regularly for patience and guidance in these things.
Why am I frustrated? Frustrated enough to shout at my BLESSINGS? my ONLY JOYS? Because I am lost. I don't normally like rap, but 2pac has a song called " Thugz Mansion" and there are lyrics which really touch on how I am feeling, they are quoted  
" all I could see was my momma's eyes
No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble
Not knowin it's hard to carry on when no one loves you
Picture me inside the misery of poverty
No man alive has ever witnessed struggles I survived
Prayin hard for better days, promise to hold on
Me and my dawgs ain't have a choice but to roll on

Its my husband that likes rap, he had this on one day and  hearing those lyrics made me nearly burst into tears. Who would have thought that a man like 2pac could speak the words that echo my soul.
See, I can hear some people now say to me "I'm here if you need me" and I think they mean it with love, but they don't MEAN it. Nobody wants to take on the troubles, the commitment, the responsibility of loving and caring and catching of a grown woman with kids of her own. Only a mother would do that!


and mine, who so wanted to, more then anything.....cannot.

So I'm stuck in this abyss of darkness without my mother. Trying to figure out how to move forward in my life without her. Make changes, chase my dreams, DREAM.

                                                Mom and me 1982. 


01 02 18

MEET THE KIDDOS!

I realised that I never had formally introduced my children. So here is a photo and little biography of each love bug.

This is my 7 year old Talon who I call my mad scientist. Hes incredibly bright and has a kind heart. He will always try to help a friend or send some love to cheer up a friend. He is my mad scientist because he can remember every detail hes learned about dinosaurs and every detail of the book he just read but will run outside without shoes on in the snow if I don't remind him hes barefoot! He was born with an opinion about everything and I have no idea where he gets some of them, he is definitely his own person with a heart of gold.

This is my Eve, the princess. She is my calm laid back little girl, who needs her juice in the morning like I need my coffee. She has a servants heart and is always hanging onto my skirt or apron wondering what I am doing and if she can help me. She loves all things pink,and will twirl all over the house because she is a ballerina!

This is my baby Luke, the noisy boy. Even though he is my third child he was my first in many other things. He was my first natural birth. He was my first baby with colic! He grew out of his colic (with the help of a holistic chiropractor and holistic remedies and lots of patient snuggles and pacing from mommy and daddy) but he still is a noisy boy. He has no problem letting us know when hes upset, uncomfortable, unhappy, happy, excited or wants to watch Yo Gaba Gaba! He has been trying to keep up with the big kids and by 7 months started pulling himself up on things and cruising around. After a few bumps on his head from attempts at unassisted walking he decided crawling is a much safer means of transportation. Hes a good baby, and brings delight to our family.

I hope someday to have more children in our family, either biologically or adoption or fostering or perhaps all three. God gave me a MOTHERS heart and I truly do not think I was put on this earth for any other reason then to raise up these blessings. My life did not begin until I had them and I live to make their lives rich and full.

01 02 18

Happy Valentines Day!

 

Every year on Valentines Day I try to do things special for the children.

This year we....

made decorations,

 

 

         Luke wasnt able to really help, but he encouraged with his smiles.

I made heart shaped cinamen buns, they were delish!

We ate heart shaped grilled cheese sandwhiches, we devoured those in minutes.

After the kids went fown for their naps, I layed out lolli's for them on pretty pink napkins.

After nap we all hung the decorations and set the table.

I made pink mashed taters and pink white cheddar mac n cheese.

They were a hit! We also went around the table and talked about what we love about eachother.

I came out only dyed a little pink so not a bad day in all.

I hope you enjoyed  your Valentines Day as much as we did.

01 02 18

Old WoMan Yeller

I'm not sure when it happened. Perhaps it was when my oldest son started hiding my keys. Or when I became outnumbered by children? Maybe it was when my house became a dumping ground for cheerios, toys, and little matchbox cars that are oh so fun to slip on with an infant in your arms. Le sigh.

I may not be able to pinpoint when exactly it happened, but at some point it did.

I became a yeller.

Yell as I might, yell as I can. I yell, I yell a lot. I never mean to, their sweet little faces looking at me with shocked faces. How can I just yell at them like that? Well apparently, its become a pattern. I never like it anymore than they do.  What do I do?

Everyday I vow to yell less, and/or to not yell at all but by golly i still end up yelling at least once everyday. After alot of research I found an article about a reformed yeller. I thought, "wow, I want to be a reformed yeller. Sign me up!"  So I read on. The article stated it was quite simple, whenever I wanted to yell, I whispered instead.

Here is what the article said in a nutshell. Kids don't respond to yelling. They shut down, they get scared, they don't even hear what your saying. So you may have just yelled the most insightful advice they will hear that day but none of it reached them. Yelling  also hurts their feelings, invalidates your standing with them, and ruins relationships that could take a long time to build back up. Wow, don't I feel just terrible now? Yes. yes I do.

Here is the step by step on what to do instead of being Old Yeller.
When you feel your blood a boiling, and your mouth opens to holler out instead do this :
Get down on child's level and ask for their eyes.
Whisper to them, whatever you need to say.
Tell them what they didn't do, and what they need to do.
Then end the conversation with a hug.

Kids will be more able to understand and listen to what your saying when they don't feel scared or threatened. This response to your child is gentler, and will restore your relationship with them making you too, a reformed yeller.

So I'm still working on this, I still slip and I'm sure you will too, but isn't it worth it? Look at those faces, they are so worth it.

01 02 18

The Begining is Near

Every chapter comes to an end at some point. And its usually always sad, and filled with grief. But if there isn't anything you can do to keep the chapter moving, and you know you have tried everything, if it wants to close, close it will. I know I did everything to show nothing but loyalty, willingness, and love for this chapter and in the end if it wants to reopen I suppose it could. But for now, I have to look ahead and heal the hurt while doing so.

New chapter has alot of wonderful things in it. So even though its so painful to move ahead, what I'm walking into is pretty great, and that helps.

I have these faces to kiss, and little youngins to watch grow

 

 

I have a marriage that I will continue to strengthen and grow.

I have a business that is blooming, and dreams that I'm realising with  each order made, I save another buck towards my future home. I'm also working on a new book. I'm hoping to have it done by 2015. So even though it hurts to move on from something you desperately wanted, sometimes to you have to just let it go and move on, and that can be really great too. I still love my God, like no other and know that I will be protected in this new chapter, the flesh might have pushed me away but God never turns on those that love and trust. My Faith is strong.

 

 

01 02 18

A wish and a will

It sure is no secret that my dream is to move out of this city, out to the country, and own a bed and breakfast on a small homesteading farm. I love to host people, cook for them and make them happy and feel at home. I love animals, and I love gardening and being outdoors is just wonderful. I also love hard physical labor, there is something about getting your hands dirty and flexing your muscles that is so satisfying to me!
For the past two years, all of our savings has gone, due to financial hardships. Since my husband has still not found a good paying job, we are living hand over fist. After  months of being unable to pay our mortgage, and weekly "chats" with the mortgage company to be more patient, they have started the foreclosure process anyway, and we are desperately trying to save our little homestead in the city. Funny that our goal was to never stay here, but now so that we wont be homeless, we are fighting to keep it. How do things end up this way? How ironic.
Everyday husband will go off to work, come home and spend sometime helping me, playing with the children and then starts job searching.
Everyday I take care of the little ones, homeschooling, cook and prep meals, clean and do laundry, make soaps and detergents when needed, bake desserts. Research ways to save money and sew orders and for stock for my online store.  By the end of the day my head is spinning and I'm exhausted. Then I get to sleep poorly at night and get up and do it all over again. I know that all of our hard work will eventually pay off but when you are struggling for so long and you have no idea how much longer you have to keep trod ding forward it is so very hard to keep up with everything and remain positive. But remain positive I will. I will try to keep up with my blog more, Keep updates of everything that is going on here during the winter months on the little city homestead.
Until then, I wish you all well and hope that everyone of my readers is having a great start to their new year. 01 02 18

Happy 2013!!

This year there are going to be alot of changes! Changes for my life and changes for the blog!

One major change is becoming more organized! I just found a new blog called "Delightful Order" and the owner is having a monthly organizational challenge. To learn more go here
<a href="http://delightfulorder.blogspot.com" target="_blank"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpv04mxKbWatbAoOfHf9bomKW8whc1oi4Wsf-nEGP9QDuH0-h5a-j3oonIEcjrYGI7IsPKQcDDCz6QaueZ0XOXbkgeu3ufAOaTOCVFWGS3ltts2JVf-J0PD_qGBdOYApx2Vk0Jm8UeFlM/s489/Challenge%2520Button.jpg" width=150 height=150></a>

01 02 18

Freezer and Fridge Staples Part 3

Here is a list of items that I keep in my fridge and freezer. Some of the items I get from Aldis on my stock up day, and some I make from scratch and keep frozen for later use.

Fridge

• milk (whole or skim) I like organic
• cheese -block, shredded and sliced. (cheddar, colby,or whatever else I'm in the mood for)
• cream cheese
• sour cream
• eggs usually about 7 or 8 dozen
• fruits and berries whatever are in season
• veggies (collards, mushrooms, celery, carrots,and other yummy goodies i find on sale. sometimes ill try something new)
• maple syrup
• butter 6 pounds
• crescent rolls
• bread

Freezer

• bananas that have browned ( you can later turn them into sweet breads or muffins to freeze and eat later)
• frozen veggies. I stock up when stores have them 10 for 10 and I use them in soups, side dishes, pasta the possibilities are endless!
• frozen fruit. good for smoothies, to make pie fillings and to thaw and eat as a treat. yum!
• homemade pizza dough
• yeast breads
• sweet breads
• ground turkey
• chicken breasts (boneless)

Tomorrow I will write out all the menu possibilities there are with just these staples alone! 01 02 18

Pantry Staples -Living on a Budget Part 2

So as I promised, I am back to share with more money saving tips. As I said before, we have had some really hard times, at more then one occasion we have had to swallow our pride and take food donations from a food pantry. We are very blessed! You don't know what poor is until you have to chose what to spend the 20 dollars you happened upon and don't know when you'll see more money again. That is how bad it was when my husband lost his job a year ago. I was pregnant, had no health care or benefits for me or my two oldest children, the unemployment and government assistance were making us jump through months worth of hoops and in the mean time, we were stuck looking for handouts and trying in anyway to make a buck while my hubs searched desperately for a job in the tri -state area. When he finally did nearly 6 months after unemployment it was not a high paying job. So we are in an incredible amount of debt, and still have to feed five (7 counting our cats) mouths while catching up on all of the bills we were deferring before.
Here is what I prefer to keep in our pantry. When you have a odd assortment of food in your pantry you really get creative in order to make a yummy AND nutritious meal for your family. That is always a fun challenge, and I have created some really good keepers to add to the recipe binder.

So no more yapping , here is the list!

• cream of mushroom soup
• cream of chicken soup
• a variety of pastas
• Panko bread crumbs
• crushed pineapples
• creamed corn
• whole corn
• olives
• jalapenos
• tuna
• yeast
• flour
• pie fillings
• rice
• dry beans
• Lipton onion soup mixes
• taco seasoning packets
• spices of all varieties   salt, pepper, onion powder, savory, basil, parsley, garlic powder, paprika, red pepper flakes, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg,all spice, dill, thyme, rosemary, lemon pepper salt. these are what we keep in our pantry.
• stuffing mix
• evaporated milk
• sweetened condensed milk
• sugar
• brown sugar
• 10x sugar
• pasta sauce

Next post I will give you the list of the items I always keep in my freezer and fridge. The post after that I will give you guys a list of the recipes I use on a weekly basis, and all of the different recipes you can make with the lists. Yesterday I made corn and peas to go with the chicken stroganoff and had leftovers. Today I sauteed up some ground turkey with taco seasoning, mixed in the leftover corn and peas and put them in a taco shell sprinkled with shredded cheese! Two meals out of one side dish. :)

 

01 02 18

How to make meals on a budget Part 1

Our bulleton board

This is going to be a many part series to how my family and I eat on a very very low budget. I think I speak for most people these days, no matter how much money you have, we all need to spend it wisely. This economy is rough! It is not easy starting out a family in the recession. We personally have been hit left and right with financial woes. So we are always looking for ways to save money. I have been doing a weekly meal plan, for all three meals AND snacks every Sunday. Saturday I will sit down with my coupons, my grocery sales flyer and my list of items we ran out of during the week. I will then ask my family if they have any requests. This week my son wanted chicken stroganoff. ( he calls it chicken strong enough haha) I have seen alot of cute menu boards you can attach to your kitchen wall. I put mine on a bulleton board that hangs either in my kitchen or my dining room.

    As I go through my list of ingrediants that I need, I look through my coupons, and the sales. If I can find sales that I have coupons for, I will get that. I sit with my calculator and plug things in as I go so I know if Im getting off budget. Now make sure you know how much you want to spend for the week. Do not go over this, for any reason. If you want to make sure that you do not go over your budget, shop using cash. So if you are only budgeted to spend 300 dollars for your trip, make sure that you only bring 300 dollars. That way you know that while you are shopping, you will not just throw in that exta treat becuase it was on sale.

   I have things that I always keep in my pantry. I buy it once a month in bulk. I get most of them at Aldis but if I find them on sale AND have a coupon I will get them at Pathmark or Giant. Im going to type up the staples in my pantry tomorrow. I will also post some simple recipes to make with these items. I will later post what I always keep in my bulk freezer as well as my fridge, so keep checking back!

  My kiddos are starting to wake up so that is all for today, I hope I helped in some small way today to get you started and on track to saving money.
01 02 18

A Day on the homestead

What is a typical day for me? busy...especially the three weeks leading up to the first day of school. I will go through everything we own and donate or throw away things we dont use. Then I will wipe down all the walls and wood work and windows. I leave no stone dirty in this house. That way we have a nice fresh start to the school year.  Here was my schedule for today.
6 am woke up
6 to 730 i cleaned out my lady bugs closet, went through  my moms shoes and put them away. threw out the trash before the truck came.
730 fed kids breakfast and ate mine
8 am did a craft with the kids
830 did dishes and wiped down kitchen
9 am put baby down for nap
10 am made strawberry jam
1130 made lunch for kids
noon folded laundry
1 pm put both babies down for nap
1 to 3 checked emails, entered contests and pinned on pinterest
3pm snack time
3 to 430 colored with the kids
430 to 500 played outside with the kids and weeded the garden beds
5  to 6 made and ate dinner
6 to 730 more outside play, more weeding
730 to 8 bathed all 3 kids, put on pjs and read a book.
now Im back to emails, pinterest and blogging, I did a lot of tidying up after the kids through out the day too, But this is our typical day. 01 02 18

Learning About My Mother

This time of year has been hard for my family and I ever since 2010. Its the time where my mom got seriously sick, and we had started to allow ourselves to believe that she wasn't going to recover. It was around this time, she had planned to go see the Phillie's with my oldest son Talon. She doted over Talon, her first grandson, tremendously. She loved him so much. So when she called to tearfully tell me she was too sick to go to the game, and that we should just take the tickets and go with someone else, I told her no, that she had to go, we could make it work. I did not want to believe what she was telling me. She told me more firmly that she could not go. And how all she wanted was to go there with him, but she was just too sick and weak. Not knowing how to cheer her up, I told her not to be sad, there will be another game. I think I was the last person to really believe that she wasn't go to make it. Even as we took her off of life support a month later, on September 13th, I stood by her side and said to her, I would see her tomorrow. I just believed that she would start breathing normal again, and that she would miraculously survive this horrible cancer. She did not.
Summers have never been good for me, If I could, I would just skip from spring to fall, (my two favorite seasons) and sleep through summer. However I cannot. From the summer I lost my friend to cancer, to the summer I lost my mother to cancer and each summer in between that things have just never looked up for me. I am not sure why I have bad luck in the summer. But I am determined to set things straight. Next summer I vow, to the Gods, that I will have a good summer. There will be no mishaps, no mistakes made, no people I love dying or turning on me. No hardships whatsoever. But for now, I grieve for my mother. I relive these days two years ago, all the last times i hugged, kissed and talked to her. I think of all the questions I have still to ask her. I had so much more that I wanted to learn about her. And I might never know. I have been going through her clothes, for now its all my dad will let me take of hers, and since they all smell like her, I am happy to take ALL of her clothes. As I put them up in my closet, and remember all of our memories we had while she wore this dress, or that shirt, or that skirt with those shoes....I realised I'm learning things about who she was by what she wore. She was so darling! She has the four of the same shirts just in different colors, and the same shoes in different colors. Each outfit had a reason she bought it, a certain intention. It showed her character.  A lot of who she was. Even her pajamas. I cannot express how much I wish she was still here, wearing these clothes, but since besides my memories, this is all I have of her, I will search her clothes for all the answers to the questions I wish to ask her, and hope that they will tell me the story I am trying to read, without the author. I will use them, to keep her alive. I miss you mom. Everyday. 01 02 18

How to make your own Liquid Fabric Softener

You will need a bottle of cheap conditioner (pick your scent carefully, your clothes will smell like it!) 3 cups of vinegar and 6 cups of water. Hang onto some empty bottles to transfer the softener into.

Recruit an adorable helper who enjoys pouring and stirring.

Squirt the entire bottle of conditioner into a pan. You are "supposed" to only use 2 cups, but I used the whole bottle. Lady bug would like me to warn, the bottle makes "toot" sounds when squeezing, apparently.

It causes giggles to ensue.

So once the conditioner is in the pan, add 3 cups of vinegar and turn pan on medium high heat.

Stir the conditioner into the vinegar until its all incorporated. Not everyone does this, but I like to do this because I feel it makes it more "soapy" and less "conditionery" No that isn't a word, but I like to throw the spell checker through a loop every now and again.

Pour the vinegar and conditioner mix into the 6 cups of water and have a little lady bug that likes to stir, gently stir it all together.

Once that is all done, pour it into your empty containers you set aside and wash as usual. Enjoy! (As much as you CAN enjoy doing laundry.)

01 02 18

We are Jammin! Cause the jammin is GOOD!

This is my best friend June, for ten years now we have been raising our kids, exchanging stories, encouragement, and laughter and experimenting in the kitchen. Every Tuesday and sometimes on Sundays well get together and make something yummy. Last Tuesday she and her four youngin's came over my house and we made and canned a whole 'lotta jam!

This is her littlest one. Hes a cutie pie, and he approves of the jam! Since he approves, I will share it with you! Here is the step by step guide on how to make and can your very own strawberry jam. It looks like its pretty involved but its not, its super easy. If you haven't canned before, this is the best to start off with. You can find this recipe in the Ball canning book.

You will need 5 cups of mashed strawberries.

4 tables of lemon juice (to add acid)

a pad of butter to reduce the amount of foam needed to be skimmed later

a package of powered fruit pectin

7 cups of sugar.

a big stock pot

and a huge canning pot

8 oz canning jars

rinse the strawberries, then hull them, and cut them in half, or in slices

Mash them up and measure them as you go. Should be five cups of strawberries.

yummy mashed strawberries! Take the mashed berries and put them in your big stock pot. Then add 4 tablespoons of lemon juice, a pad of butter, and the packet of pectin. Whisk that all together.

(If you have one of the containers of pectin, use 3 tablespoons)

(This is a pad of butter)

Cook the mixture on medium high heat stirring occasionally until it gets to a rolling boil, then add in the 7 cups of sugar all at once.

Turn the heat up! Once it gets to a raging boil, where if you stir it, it will not stop boiling. let it cook for a minute or so more. Then skim off the foam on top. It looks like whitish stuff.

Now I like to keep my jars in a pot that I have sterilized them in. I sterilize them by putting them in the canning pot and boiling them. Once they have been at a boil for five minutes I will turn it off and let them sit in the hot water. Then I fill my sink with boiling water and transfer them there using wire tongs. BE CAREFUL! The jars are hot! Boil the lids also and set them aside. The jars have to be hot when you pour the hot strawberry jam in them, because of not, the change in temperature will make the jars crack.

Now take each jar out of the boiling water, fill it with the jam leaving a 1/4 of head space. Take a butter knife and run it around the edge of the jam to break any bubbles. Using a clean rag dry any jam that might have dripped off the lip of the jar, then put the lids on the jar, no need to tighten the lids super tight, just tight enough there is a bit of resistance.

Once all of your jars are filled with the jam, its now time to give them a really really super hot water bath. Take your canning pot, and make sure you either line the bottom with jar lid rings, or if you have one, a canning rack, you just want to make it so that the bottom of the jars aren't touching the bottom of the pan.

This is my beauty! Is it possible to LOVE a pot? If it is, I love this pot. My heart sings every time I look at it, and the joy it brings me is blissful. Its definitely a part of this family. OK, Ill stop being gushy now, lets move on!

Now you want to fill the pot with water, I usually use a pitcher and transfer the water rather then try to haul this heavy pot of jam and water from the sink to the stove. I thought of this after the second time I canned. I know, sometimes I can be a bit slow, I call it "mommy brain". Once your pot is filled with water, till the jars are all covered by an inch of water over head, put the lid on and turn your stove on high. And let it get to a boil. The raging boil. You will want it to be raging boiling for 10 to 13 minutes abouts. Then turn the heat off and let it sit for 5 minutes.  

This is what a "raging boil" looks like. when you say "raging boil" make sure you say it with a southern accent, its so much cooler that way.

Once they have sat for 5 minutes, take your handy jar tongs that I picked up at a local Walmart and carefully remove the jars and set on counter, I usually put a cloth down  or my wooden cutting board. This is the really awesome part of the whole process, when you take out the jars, or after they have been sitting for a bit, you'll hear a "pop". That's when you know you did it right. That little "pop" from the jars means that the lid is sealed, and its such a satisfying sound. Say it with me "aaaaaah".

Here is June and mine's latest bounty. She did most of the canning while I refereed the children and she did a mighty fine job! I think our next canning adventure will be fig jam, with the figs picked from a friends tree! So "wink wink" and "nudge nudge"  stay tuned for a post about making figgy jam! Happy Homsteading ya'all!

01 02 18